Healing and a Headstone

Picking out Gracie's headstone design was hard. I wanted it to be perfect. After three different proofs came back and none of them was quite like I envisioned it, I sent in some art that I had done.

I asked if there was any way to put something like it on to the design. I had drawn these one day, as I sat crying. As I looked at the tears that had dripped off my face onto the table, the thought came to me "Don't you know I miss you too, Mommy?"

In a mix up of communication, as we worked over email on the design, the cemetery social worker person made a comment of having Christ bringing back the baby to the mother. It stopped me. I hadn't thought about it like that.

They placed her headstone today. When we buried Gracie, it took all my will power not to start digging at the dirt. My heart screamed silently not to let them finish. For many weeks after, that desire was still there. My grief was fresh and raw. Today, as the workers dug to put in the headstone, I was peaceful and calm. At one point, the thought did cross my mind that just a little more and they could uncover her. But it wasn't a desperate yearning. I smiled to myself and breathed deep, letting it go. We had a wonderful rainstorm today which I thought was so fitting. Laying Gracie to rest is completely done. While the pain of not having her here still comes, today I felt clean and healed to an extent.

When I drew it, it was a tearful goodbye, but as it was placed today, it is a gentle reminder of hope to me. An image of comfort, when we will be together again.