Sublimation: when it almost rains, it almost pours.

The idea of the title being "when it rains, it pours." Sublimation is when it rains, but it evaporates before it touches the ground. It almost rained today, 5 times! Our guardian angels were working over-time today. All within an hour, we had 4 barely, and I am talking CENTIMETERS!!!!! barely miss accidents and 1 hit that could have been much worse than it was. And all of them were due to the inattentiveness of the other drivers! I think there must be a big invisible target on our car! Seriously!

The two that rattled me the most was the hit and the miss when Ty was driving. Silly us, we thought it was just me and switched drivers.... nope. We had been waiting to turn left and a car cut across two lanes to appeared out of nowhere and turn so we slammed on the brakes. We kept waiting for our turn, but the people behind us thought we had gone. About 30 seconds after missing the car that was turning, the car behind us accelerated into the back of us. In shock we just sat in the car for a few minutes making sure everyone was ok. Kotah was shocked and Katie was crying out of fright. We pulled out and off to the side. As I got out to look at the car there was not a scratch! Not even a hint that anything had happened... to either car! With how hard it had been, it was a huge miracle! Because there was no damage, the other driver and I agreed to just let it go. Silly me. Dumb. Within 5 minutes all of us had major headaches. Happily, we all got appointments with our chiropractor tomorrow. 

After that shake-up, we had to stop (again almost getting hit twice on the way) at the store to get some knee pads. Kotah still scoots and her knee gets scrapped and rubbed pretty bad. We ordered some but they were wimpy little things that disintegrated within the first two minutes that she wore them outside. That is when we switched drivers and headed home. As we were going through an intersection, out of nowhere, a truck coming the other way made a speedy left turn. Right at us. I honestly don't know what happened, I closed my eyes and screamed. I felt Ty swerve the car and I just sat there, braced for impact. When we came to a stop without being hit, I opened my eyes. Ty had saved our lives by turning and sliding the car out of the way. We again continued on our way, shaken to the core. This was nothing like a back hit. Ty is a very defensive driver. I am one who tends to put on the brakes. If I had been driving, we would have been hit. We both knew that. The truck would have hit Katies door full on. Ty saved her life. 

It still rattles me thinking of it. The headache from the previous doesn't help either. But there is a deeper meaning in all this. Nighttime with Kotah is very hard. For the past few weeks, she has not been able to sleep longer than an hour without needing help, slight stimulation or comfort. I hate mornings, mostly because I haven't gotten a night yet. I feel like I am letting Katie and Kotah down by being so worn out. Lately, I just want to be alone. To hide under my covers and sink into a restful sleep. My desire for this sometimes comes out in negative feelings of frustrating towards my family. The miss from the truck scared me. I am a "what if" kind of gal. What if we had been hit? There is a good chance we wouldn't have Katie here, or Kotah. Maybe even Ty. I definitely would have been alone then. Now before you start ripping into me right now about being all doom and gloom and to stop focusing on it, take a deep breath and plunge ahead for the next few paragraphs. 

The thought shook me. That is NOT the kind of alone I want. The almost accident was a reminder to me to be more appreciative of what I have, whether it is hard or easy. But why? Why does it take something to remind us? It is a cycle. A cycle of attitude, of mindset, of actions. In the Book of Mormon, it is called the Pride Cycle. In a college class, I did a presentation on this. It is called the Tytle Cycle. There are so many different depths that I could go off on with this, but that is not my intent. Mostly this is just for me to work on. Why? Why do I need "Lamanites" in my life to remind me to be thankful, to be humble? And not just when I am depressed, when I am happy and prosperous as well. Is there a way to change this? 

Such will be my subject of study for scripture reading tonight. What are your acts of rebellion and what stirs you up to remembrance? This is not a question that needs to be answered to me, just to yourself. And one more, do you really want to wait to be stirred up, or will you remember before? For me, I will remember now. and hopefully, by writing this out, I can read it again down the road and remember then, without the stirring. 

A continuation, clarification, CHANGE and the stupid internet.

After last nights posts, a few messages and conversations, and sleeping on it, there are a few things I wish to add.

1st. Least anyone be confused and think that we have an awesomely FABULOUS relationship right now, don't be. I remember when I was first married I worked at an office with 2-4 other women. I felt like they always had negative things to say about their husbands/significant others. I thought I was such a goody-goody for not engaging in those conversations. Let me tell you that now, at least once a week, usually more, I find myself complaining/venting about Ty. I see it as a way to work through my feelings with a safe secondary so that I don't come at him, guns a blazin' when I want to discus an issue with him. Heck, just the other day I was venting and a friend helped me to see a whole 'nother side to the problem. I am NOT a goody two-shoes when it comes to keeping marital issues private. Talking through it with others helps me. I talk. Thus another possible good explanation to why we are still together.

2nd. While I am very firm that marriage takes work, there are certain situations where I whole heartedly believe a divorce is necessary. If there is marital abuse, verbal, physical, sexual, mental, emotional or spiritual, if one parent is abusing the children or if there is infidelity AND if either the offender or offended is determined NOT to change, then I believe there is good grounds for a split or divorce. There are probably many other topics I am not covering in my blanket statement. Each situation is different. But thing that I forgot to add that is very important to what I believe in my previous post is this: CHANGE. Both parties MUST be willing to change. Change is a constant thing. Willingness to change = trying. A relationship doesn't stand a chance if the parties are not open to change.

3rd. The internet is stupid. More specifically scam sites on the internet are stupid. This is my post for today.

Last week I was on the internet. I saw a cool advertisement for a video clip, so I clicked on it. The next thing I know, I am signed up, via my Facebook account, for an online dating website called Zooks (?). It has access to who knows what and I instantly start receiving messages. I have tried to unsubscribe multiple times, but every time I try, it pops back up the next day. I tried reading through the book-long policies page and now I am even more concerned as to what they have access to. At least they don't have access to my phone because it is a very simplistic phone. Benefit of no smart phone.

My paranoia has set in as this was all done on my tablet, and now I am concerned they have access to my app purchases, internet access connecting to my account and the camera. I get that this may all be unfounded, but this is coming from a very non tech-savy gal who, in her younger years, believed that by listening to different radio stations, the radio station would send a bill to my house and my parents would know what I was listening to and I would get in trouble. In trouble from FM 100.3, really? I was messed up, let me tell ya.

But because of this, I feel it only fair to warn those poor guys on the site that are looking at my picture of the following:
I am happily married. It is not perfect, but it is happy. My whole account was a mistake. I am NOT interested.
The picture was from 4 years ago. It in no way honestly depicts me now. My hair is most days pulled up into a pony with frizzy fly-aways. My body is a wreck, I weigh at least 25 lbs more, my boobs differ between floppy sacks to over flowing milk squirters. Not very attractive. My face is sunken in, I have bags under my eyes and numerous come and go pimples.
Should my camera by some paranoid accident actually be hacked then I offer the following:
You have seen either one of the two or both depending on what camera they hacked. Front, back or both. :
Me pick my nose at 2 am because there is a sleeping child in my arms that just barely fell back to sleep and in no way am I gonna get a tissue
Me blow my nose into a dirty shirt because said child is now even farther asleep and I don't mind a little noise.
Me breast feeding my child.
My child laughing at my unsuccessful attempts to get her back to sleep at 4 am.
The inside of a diaper bag.
The view of the ceiling as the tablet rests on the desk (or the view of the desk, very very close up)
The face of my child as she concentrates on "finger painting" or another game.
My shocked face as I watch the weirdest things on You Tube.
My feet, or my knees. Thus showing off my unshaven (GASP) legs. The Horror!

This is the view from the tablet. I sincerely hope that there is no possible way that my tablet is hacked, but just in case, you have been warned. And if this somehow gets back to Zooks (again, not sure if that is the correct spelling) Please Please PLEASE delete my account from your website. Not happy >:(

A very long rambling for a very short point

I have something in mind that I want to type about tonight, but first I shall update on Kotah a little.

Kotah is doing ok. Her nights/sleep times are still pretty tough. With the tracheomalacia and laryngomalacia, her airway is floppy which causes her to cough. It sounds weird and dry, almost like she is choking on air. She did that today in church and alarmed a few people. She also continues to be a chameleon. This morning, her face was blue, but her sats were 99. As it stands right now, we will not be pressing for answers at the moment. (Sounds like it is some kind of justice system case thingy. With all the research, sometimes it feels that way.)  I am just so worn out. Going to specialist after specialist who all agree somethings wrong but cant pinpoint it wears at the stamina of this mother. Looking at her you would never know something is wrong. She is roughly 60-75% on her charts, she has no development delays that we know of so far and no immediate life threatening problems. Her communication is taking off. Skyrocketing. Yesterday she said to Ty : "Dada, I wan a pupu." (Daddy, I want a puppy.) She interacts, she plays games, she pretend plays with toys, she pretends to read, she sings, she loves to dance, she can ask (read Demand) for what she needs, and she is trying really hard to walk. Due to all of the above, and the fact that the insurance wont cover genetic testing and the doctors office for genetic testing wont go over her medical history before charging us up the wazoo for the blood work, we have opted to take a breather. To enjoy the good days without all the doctors visits. In a few months we will be doing a few check up testing to see where she is now throat, heart, brain and sleep wise, but until then, we are on break.

Now onto the real reason for the blog post tonight.

As a precursor to the following, I should like to make it clear that what I write about I have talked with Ty about already. This is not a Sarah airing dirty laundry. And Ty will proof read (when he gets done with homework) before I post. But this is from my perspective. Every story has multiple sides. How I deal with and work through things and how Ty deals with and works through the same thing AND how we as a couple work together through the EXACT same thing are three very different ways. This is a mix of Sarah's way and as a couple's way.

This week we saw a second doctor for Ty's hearing. The first one was a few weeks ago and it wasn't a good experience. It ended after over 2 hours and 4 different tries of hearing tests with the audiologist saying she didn't know what was wrong but that it couldn't possibly be hearing loss and basically insinuating that Ty was faking it.

I am hear to tell you that Ty does NOT fake his hearing loss. Sometimes he will forget to turn off the house alarm and go out the door, he doesn't hear it. He can't hear the oven beep, or microwave, or Kotah's monitors.  He has to lip read in order to understand what you are saying. Sometimes small, generalized sign language helps too. If you are behind him, he cant hear you. In the car, in a tense environment, in loud places, he can't.

The second doctor was great. He was very patient and listening. Which is saying something because we had both girls there getting into everything and interrupting every sentence.

Katie was very invested in this visit. She and Ty have a hard time communicating. Since she could talk, I have been teaching her to speak up, make sure she is looking at Daddy, and enunciate her words. They can clash very easily, because Ty does not understand what she is saying, it had gotten to the point that she wanted only me. We have been working slowly on building and nurturing a healthy daddy/daughter relationship by having me make sure Ty knows what she is saying, Ty focusing a lot on her when she is talking, and subtle parenting helps. We had a breakthrough the other day when she was sad and I coached Ty through how to talk to and help her. Since then, she has really started to open up to and be more trusting and patient with communications with him, but it still is a work in progress. Yesterday she needed help in the bathroom. I was outside and Ty was less then 15 feet away, on the couch. Thought her could hear something, but didn't know where it was coming from, or that it was Katie calling for help.

That seemed a little like a side topic but it will be important in a few paragraphs.

Back to the doctors office. As he continued to run the tests, he became more and more astounded. He continued to ask me questions and try different things. When we finished up, he showed us the results. At 125 decibels, Ty could feel the sound on his brain, but not hear it. 125. When not looking at my lips, he could not understand the list of single words I read. Not one word from the list. Hearing aids are not going to help. The doctor was ready to diagnose him with 100% hearing loss. Deaf. At that point Katie burst into tears and started hugging Ty and sobbing. I'm pretty sure Ty and I felt the same way. We kind of just looked at each other and at the doctor, wide eyed and not saying much. He mentioned a few other things to try and wanted to hear back from us after Ty's neurology visit this upcoming week. He made a few statements such as "I don't know how you are functioning. It truly is a miracle." "How on earth are you holding down a full time job?" "How are you even surviving in school?" "You're about to graduate?!" "This is worse than any case I have ever seen, and I work with seniors all day long." And the kicker, the REAL reason I wanted to post tonight, "How long have you been married? Going on 6 years? How are you even still together?"

How indeed. This. This is what I feel the need to post on tonight.

**The following will be personal and true. Truth is sometimes hard to look at in the face.**

Ty and I met after he returned home slightly early from his mission due to illness. His cousin was my best friend. We first met in her basement while playing attack ping-pong. I thought he was quiet and shy. He wore his cowboy hat, was skin and bones, and didn't say much. We were in the same singles branch. He was in charge of calling a number of people to remind them of extra activities. I was one of the people on his list. I never went. One time, he didn't call me and I went. It was a ski/snowboard trip. I had a broken foot and couldn't participate, but wanted to go to meet guys. I was at a point where I was getting over a breakup enough to feel like talking boys again. I knew he had a truck, my crappy car wouldn't make it up the mountain, and I knew his name. So I told, not asked, told him I would be riding with him. It was me and 5 guys. I figured that between all 5 I stood a chance somewhere. Ty spent the entire time talking with me, playing games and sharing his bag of mini carrots. A few weeks later, we went on a date. 2 weeks later, another date. In between, we walked and talked at night. The next week we were engaged. I liked him, let me say that before I continue on, I really did like him, and he liked me. But it was NOT love, at least, not in a healthy way. The only reason I said yes was because God told me to. The only reason Ty asked was because God told him to. The BIG reason why we both agreed with God on this was because we both wanted to escape our home life. Neither was a good situation for us and we wanted out. God knew that we both had learning and growing and healing to do and that, if we were willing to work on it, we would be able to do it together.

But we didn't know that. Most of the excitement for us was getting out of our homes. Looking back it is easy to see. In the moment, we thought we were in love. We hardly knew each other. We tried during the engagement period, but it was a rough 5 1/2 months. 2 weeks before, I almost called it off. Sure, we kissed, we cuddled, we were tempted physically, there was the hormonal excitement, we enjoyed some of the prep for the wedding together, but it was a very young, unstable and unhealthy kind of relationship. There are so many other details and stories. But we kept going back to the day when God told us to marry each other. So we went through with it.

The first few months were ok. Sometimes blissful, sometimes aggravating, but ok. Then my dad left my mom. As the oldest I felt it was my job to take care of my siblings, Ty tried to step in as a good role model. Neither one of those was a good idea, but we were still in unhealthy mindsets, trying to survive. A month later we both lost our jobs. We moved in with his grandparents. We made it through the holidays, but in January, with still no jobs and a lot of emotional pain, Ty and I both settled into a depression. Survival mode kicked in after a few weeks and we both got jobs, but our "happily ever after" ideal had taken a hard hit. Our marriage was pretty rocky. We tried counseling, but it seemed to go nowhere. There were many hidden thoughts on both sides of ending our marriage. Most not spoken about with each other, but we had both stopped trying.

Then I got sick. Very very very sick. In a story for another time, I received a personal witness that I COULD make this marriage work and that I NEEDED to do so. And I realized something, I WANTED to work on our marriage. It was enough to pull me out of the funk I was in and make me try. In talking with Ty about it at the time, it was also enough for him. We started trying.

It has been a long road since then.  We have had many major ups and downs and the normal everyday ebbs and flows. We continue in therapy. At sometimes it is on a more consistent schedule than at other times. Ty's hearing loss is a big road block in this, but we have never really thought about it. We make do. I make sure he hears and understands me. When he is talking with someone else, if I am around, I make sure he understands what is being said. Due to not wanting to get in trouble growing up he learned how to respond in a way that looks as if he hears, but he doesn't. It was a survival technique. He will nod and say 'Uh huh" or "really?" or "Ok" to keep the conversation going. I have to check and make sure he is understanding, not just surviving. I have taught myself to do this. Katie is learning to do this. We don't want her to have to, but it is where we are at right now. We are considering ASL classes for all of us. We already use quite a bit one or two word signs, just haven't really paid attention to it much. Even Kotah knows how to sign "more" and "please".

Wow. This is a whole lot of rambling to get to my very simplistic point. Marriage takes work. Katie made a statement during her sobbing: "A a a a are we gonna a a a have to th th th throw my d d d daddy away b b b because he is B B B B BROKEN?" We quickly reassured her that would not happen. We talked about how if she broke a leg or it Kotah only had one arm or if Mommy had no hair we wouldn't throw anyone away.

Ty and I have learned this. We have had many hardships and heartaches in our short 5 years of marriage, we have come close to being done. We sometimes fear the future. But we KEEP WORKING. I can't promise that 10 years down the road we wont be in a very different situation and split then. I wont promise that. Not to my children, not to Ty, not to myself. I am not focused on 10 years. I am focused on this moment, tomorrow, and on eternity. I will continue doing what it takes to communicate with Ty in this moment, so that we can be together for eternity. I will plan on the phone calls I will need to make tomorrow to see yet another doctor. Just now as I was having him read through I had to turn my head to him and make sure he understood me, 1 1/2 feet from my face. Yes it gets frustrating. There are times we both get tired of it. There are times I give up trying to talk to him in particular moments. There are times he snaps at me for repeating something over and over again because I'm not sure he heard. But him not hearing will not destroy our marriage, hearing and communicating are two different things. Communication is the key to unlock the door. The door that opens to begin to learn and practice and even fail sometimes and to try again at having a good relationship. Whether it is with a spouse, or a child or a friend.

I don't really have any good thoughts to end on. This is not the first time Ty and I have been asked by astounded people how we are still married. But I want to say, it is because we want to be. Because we try. Because we fail and try again. You do not marry Mr (or Mrs) Right. The person you marry BECOMES your Mr Right.





P.S.
If you have the opportunity to speak to Ty, make sure you look at him. Make sure he is paying attention to you. Sometimes ask him if he understood you or ask questions to have him affirm that he is understanding. If he is nodding his head, saying "Uh huh" "Ok" or other one word responses, he may not be hearing you. If he responds in a weird way that is totally off subject, he may not have heard you. Don't get frustrated. That shuts down any hope of a good conversation at the moment. Ty is not aloof, shy, stuck up, mean or rude. He is a great guy, funny, sweet and kind. But he can come across as the previous if there is not good communication going on.