If you've ever watched Law and Order SVU, from the time a victim reports a crime to the time an interview is conducted with the alleged perp, to the court date, it’s all over in 1 hour. Yet as the scenes change, at the bottom of the screen, there is a notation of how much time has passed. 48 hours later. 2 weeks later. 3 months later. They don't show how agonizing waiting is. I don't think they can.
7 months ago, we were visiting a different ward. We sent our girls to their classes and went to ours, never imagining that choice would change our world. As we held family council that night, we discovered that one of the nursery leaders had sexually molested our daughter.
7 months later and I am just beginning to process my own emotions. 7 months later and the justice system seems to have disappeared. 7 months later and for the first time last night, my little girl vocalized to me her fear and pain from that fateful Sunday.
I have tried to write this blog multiple times over the past few months. Starting and stopping. I’ve realized I don’t want to, or at least I’m not ready to get super emotional about it online. To share the details. But I do want to share because the less it's talked about, the more it happens. It is an uncomfortable topic, but it happens so frequently we have got to get past skirting about or shying away from speaking about rape, or sexual molesting, abuse or assault. I also want to share what you can do if, heaven forbid, you find yourself in the type of hell where your child tells you they’ve been hurt.
First, don’t panic. When she told us what happened, I immediately pulled her into a hug and promised her that she was safe, that we would never go back and that I loved her. Despite my own intense emotions, I remained calm so that she knew she was safe. That is saying nothing of what I did once the girls went to bed.
Second, unless they want to talk about it, don’t ask more questions or discuss anything with them. They need you to be their safe spot, not the interrogator- that unfortunately is the job for the case worker/police/nurses. They will have to explain it all to them. You be their safe spot.
Third, don’t give up in getting help. It took dozens of phone calls to finally get the right place. In Weber County, there is a Child’s Justice Center. But her doctor didn’t have that number. Primary Children’s didn’t have that number. The sheriff’s department recommended the ER. Don’t assume that those you ask for help will have the answers just because they are required by law to report abuse.
Fourth, be prepared to wait for answers. Because it had been recent, and there was a possibility of other children in harm’s way, the initial interview with the case worker and trained nurses took place the next morning. But after that it was as if time no longer mattered. She was safe. It wasn’t an urgent case. We are still waiting.
Fifth, be prepared for the small and the extreme changes in behavior and remember that this will affect the whole family. I recommend finding a good therapist that specializes with sexual abuse of children. One that specifically works with kids. Don't be afraid to keep looking if the first one ( or second or third) doesn't click with your kid or you.
As I said, I am just beginning to look my own emotions in the eye. My number one priority through this has been my daughter. But ignoring my own emotions has taken it’s toll. I think there was an expectation that we would get though it. That everything would be okay. After all, we’d been through so much already. And with that expectation, I felt like I had to fix it all on my own. Other issues resulting as a fall out from the sexual molesting seemed to prove me right, that if anything was going to be done, I had to do it myself. In all respects I was wrong. I can’t fix this.
7 months later and everything is not okay.
