There are always those little things as a parent that just hit you right to your core. They seem to come out of nowhere, but you remember them long after they are gone and long after the newness wears off. Sometimes the moments make you want to jump up and run around the room, screaming with joy, other times you are so rocked, all you can do is cry with gratitude and love.
In the past 48 hours, I have had a few of those experiences, and I would like to share:
Saturday. Saturday was Kotah's 1st birthday. There was a time I truly did not think we would make it to this point. I was so humbled when I awoke that morning. All I could think of was that here was my little baby, growing and developing and progressing, all thanks to God's miraculous power. She has not been doing so hot. It looks as if she may need some ear tubes. However, when that happens, there are a lot of doctors wanting to do small exams and procedures all at the same time while she is under. They really don't like the idea of giving her any more times under anesthesia than is absolutely necessary, so it may turn out much bigger than tubes. And it could be that we are getting close to the peak with her. The more that I research the genetic possible mutations, the more I am sure of and dreading the diagnosis. It makes me all the more grateful for every little instance, every little miracle, every smile, every laugh.
While we were driving to and fro, we listened to Scripture scouts, the episode where Christ comes. Katie started crying at the song where Christ sings. She asked "who is singing? I told her it was Jesus and she started crying and crying all the while saying "These are my happy tears. I feel so happy. When I am so happy, my happy tears come." She is so open to the spirit. I cried along with her. Ty laughed. In a very loving sort of way. Until I tried to reach back and hold Katie's hand while driving as well. The laughs quickly disappeared.
Yesterday I was having a pretty bad day. It was the feeling of the world has come to an end, I am a horrible mother, I hate me kind of day. (no sleep definitely does not help the feelings) Ty was trying to let me get it all out and Katie happened to walk by and hear me say something along the lines of how I felt that I was failing as a mom. She burst into tears and ran into my arms and said "oh mommy, don't say that! You are my best mommy ever. You do everything for me. You cook and clean and play with me. Please don't cry mommy! I love you!" So of course, I cried harder. But as she snuggled with me and we wiped each others tears away, I got the strength I needed to get past that hard moment, all in my daughters love for me.
Today while at work, I was feeding some baby puffs to Kotah and some other toddlers when she looked at me and said "Mama!" I was shocked speechless. Then she proceeded to walk 5 steps from the couch on her own to me while saying "Mama, Mama." For a girl that has always called me DaDa this was amazing. I squealed. I hugged her and begged her to say it again. So she obliged. What a fun day it has been. Just now, as she got up for a night feeding, she tiredly called out "Mama?" The feeling in my heart when I hear her call for me is almost indescribable. It hits something deep. Something in my very nature. Maybe it is the same nature that drives my little Kotah to rock her baby doll back and forth and pat her back. The same depth as when Katie runs to Kotah when she cries. Hearing my baby call for me by the most precious and prized name awakens such a love, such a pride. The fact that she is here with us, despite all odds and that she is able to speak makes it so much more. That she would choose to call for me is more precious than money can buy.
Its moments like these that make me want to try all the more to be the best I can for my daughters. To love them and serve and teach them. They really are my reminders of God and how great and wonderful He is to me. I think of how much I love these two little handfuls, uh bundles- I meant bundles of joy ;) and then I think that God loves me even more than that, and I feel so overcome. How blessed each of us is to be a child of God!
