Third times the charm.

There is an expression "If it was a snake, it would have bit me." There is a snake in my life that has been chomping on my nose for the past month and a half. It is the fact that I have known that going back to work was not going to work out. But I kept at it, because I believed it was the right decision. I was getting stir crazy (let's be honest, without a car, there is not much you can do in under 20 weather) and we needed the money (I thought) and the girls needed some socialization (because what 3 year olds day is complete without a few good fights and arguments over toys?) .

However, the snake took a good latch and hung on. I started to notice it when Katie became a little more emotional. I noticed it when I had to take Kotah to night clinics because I couldn't leave work. It was there when I was so spent that we had freezer meals a week straight and poor Ty had to pick something up from the store. And when my girls sat and cried in front of me, but I couldn't pick them up because I was wrist deep in some other kids poop out. When Katie started to behave less and less like the angel I know she is and more and more like the.... well, the bratty, attention starved Day care kids. 

I knew at the beginning of the month. But I kept putting off telling my boss. At first it was because her dad had died and I knew she needed a break. Then it was another family trial and I didn't want to burden her anymore. But it all honesty, it was because I was greedy. After hardly even surviving, I was enjoying having a little bit of leeway in finances. Enough to enjoy going out to eat, probably more than we should have. Kotah's social security started coming so the medical financial burden was gone. We could actually buy our own food. However that was do largely to the fact that because of the social security check, food stamps was discontinued. But I was, in my mind, living the high life! More than just the bare necessities. And meat! Oh heavenly meat! Not having to worry about a bill or buying a package of diapers. 

But this new "lifestyle" came with a price tag. The once happy and relaxed atmosphere that we tried to live by in our house was gone. Replaced by stress and anxiety. Packing everyday, getting home a night with barely any energy left to microwave a meal for Katie. The laundry and dishes stacked up. I haven't been able to bake in who knows how long. And if you know me, you know that I LOVE to make cookies and homemade bread and cookies and well, yeah, cookies. The toyroom was collecting dust! And the stress of getting Kotah into see a doctor was unreal. It was either night clinics, or the urgent care, or the er.
Today was the breaking point. The point where I realized that there was never going to be a good day to tell my boss. The point where I realized that this had to end. It started when three of the toddlers had pink eye. I quarantined Katie and Kotah to a separate room. No way in heck. But this is what life is a daycare. Don't really call it pink eye. Or rsv. Or strep. "It's just a cold." That is what the parents say, so they can still leave their kid and go to work. That is what the providers say so that the "hyper-sensitive" parents don't freak out and pull out their kids, thus pulling down profits. But with how medically complex Kotah is, I was protective. And then I thought, what if she gets something here that she CAN'T handle? No quart of ice cream or lunch at Golden Corral is worth that. So today I gave my notice (for the third time) to my boss. I love kids. But I am not good at multiple personalities. I can't be a mom and a day care provider. I promised to help train the new person and to come in occasionally, but I can't be the go-to person. I am the go-to for my children.
As I look at "tightening the belt" once more, I am not really afraid. We made it before. Ty is almost done with school. And heck, I am looking forward to getting cabin fever. I may just have to dust off the craft boxes and games. Or maybe we'll bundle up and go on a walk to the corner and then run back for breathing treatments and oxygen therapy to combat the air quality. Whatever we do, having two open arms to hold my girls in is the most important. I don't get a re-do on this time I have with them now. 

Another update

Ah the past two weeks have flown by, yet felt like a lifetime. In all I think we were at the er 2x and the doctors office 5x. Kotah had her nose suctioned so many times I stopped counting. Her o2 sats were low and even with oxygen bumped up triple during the day, it still took a bit for her to get better. On Saturday we were in the er again for monitoring because her resting heart rate was at 190. The last time this happened she had those 4 mini heart attacks. The doc said that we are doing everything right. Even though it seems so hard and hopeless, we are doing everything right to keep her alive and that she wouldn't be alive if we did things differently. As hard as that was to hear, it also helps. It helps to know we are doing something right.

There is a doctor out in Chicago that basically wrote the book on the gene mutation that has been discussed before. After some emails with the nurses in the clinic, we are looking at two series of blood testing. We are not sure if it will be covered by insurance and it costs a lot. Thank goodness for tax season!

Now for the fun cutesier stuff:

Katie is loving sunbeams! I think her favorite part is singing time. She comes home singing the songs and asking me to sing with her. She is catching on to sooo much.
She loves being a big sister and likes to help Kotah walk around the room. I.E. holding her under the arms and walking with her.
She got a bike for Christmas and rides it around and around and around the kitchen table. We have taken her outside with it once. She did great!
She loves to pretend that she is fluent in Spanish. We introduce new words to her a bit at a time but I am already thinking ahead to Kindergarten and hoping to find a program that does Spanish immersion.
The other day she stuck a MnM up her nose (I have no clue why) and after a few minutes of calming and nose blowing, it melted enough that it came out. Needless to say, she has not tried that since.
She loves to "surprise" me by cleaning up messes. But she still wants help. So I close my eyes and help her clean up and then get to be surprised when I open them and the room is clean :)

Kotah is almost walking. She keeps trying to stand up on her own and will walk from Ty to me.
 She tries to mimic what we say and sometimes it is so close I am caught off guard. She can say and understand : HI, Please, Thank you, This?, That?, UP!!!, Ada -Daddy for Ty, Dada- what she calls me, Eat, and Boobs. On Sunday we were sitting in a combined meeting and she started pounding on me yelling "Dada, BOOBS!"
 She is a tough little chick and will blow over anything or anyone that gets in her way. Except coming down stairs. She just sits and the top and screams. Three small elongated stairs. We work on going down them everyday. She can go down 7 steep short stairs, but not 3.
She had to have two antibiotic shots today to try to get rid of an ear infection that the oral antibiotics are not touching. They opted to do this as the only other medicine to give her was something she is allergic to. After 5 minutes, her legs had swollen at least 2 inches and had a rash and hives. Of course it would. Sigh. Such a trouper though. She hardly cried.
She is my snuggle bug. She will cling onto me when I pick her up and sometimes she will pat my back. I found her playing with a baby doll the other day, rocking it and patting its back and giving it kisses. So cute!


Our normal has Ty and I pretty worn out. But the precious moments with our girls make it all worth it.