What's in a name?

It's been a week. One week since the last time I held my child. One week since I last saw her face, kissed her head, held her to my heart. One week.

Someone asked me the other day if I felt it was unfair that the world continued to go on. Not really. It was my personal loss. I expect the world to go on. What I find unfair at times is that my world still has to go on. I still have to make doctor appointments, file paperwork for taxes, cook dinner (although thank goodness for takeout!!!), spend half the day on the phone trying to figure out medical bills, clean the house and so on and so forth. I am grateful for the distractions, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball.

Right from the start of finding out we were expecting, we began thinking of names. We came up with one for a girl and one for a boy pretty quick. It was fairly easy. But at the 12 week appointment when we found out there "might" be a problem with the heart, the names just didn't seem right anymore. At the appointment before Christmas, when the problems were very evident and we knew it was a girl, the previous name we had picked didn't fit. Thus the search began. It was a good thing to be able to focus on while we waited. The waiting was the worst.

 The meaning of the name was important to me. I wanted her name to have a deeper meaning, to remind me. I wanted it to connect with who she is. One of the meanings of Gracie is "God's gift". And Noel of course means "Christmas", or "Christ's birth". She was a gift from God. And a Christmas gift that we got to spend as much time with her as we did. It is a reminder to me of Christ. Of the how and why we will get to see her again. Because of His birth, His life and His sacrifice of pure love. Her name says it all. Her name brings me hope. What's in a name? Everything.

How silently the wondrous gift is given

Two Items of housekeeping for now and continuing posts:
1. As much as I love order, many of my posts about Gracie will probably not go in any sort of order. Just the order of my thoughts. They may be long, they may be short.
2. I will be posting pictures of Gracie. They are very precious to me, to Ty, to our girls. She was born before she had developed skin. Thus, she has a very red and somewhat sticky look. It could be disturbing to look at. I understand that. If you can't handle it, please don't feel like you have to. Please do not comment here or on facebook or to any of us in person about her looks if it is not nice. To us, to me, she is the most beautiful baby in the whole world. Nothing compares.


On to tonight's post.


It was the week before Christmas. I walked out of my midwifes office in shock. The miracle of life is just that, a miracle. So often we don't realize that, until something is wrong. Within moments of beginning the ultrasound, even I could tell something was wrong. What color of stocking I was going to buy to surprise Ty didn't matter anymore. In the agonizing moments as the midwife scanned the numerous cysts off the back of her head, all I wanted to know is if my baby had a heart beat. In that moment, nothing had sounded so beautiful.

Time seemed frozen as I drove home. I am not even sure how I made it home. Nothing made sense, nothing mattered. Once home, dinner was a hurried affair, we had a party to get to. Like I usually do so everyone survives meal time prep, I turned on Mo Tab on You Tube. Thankfully, Ty had already started dinner, so I sat with my head on the table as Katie and Kotah watched different songs. My mind was racing with unanswered questions, worries and fears. Just racing. Katie asked to watch the new Piano guys thing. I had heard about it, but as of then, we hadn't viewed it. I could have cared less. The screen was turned away from me and I didn't care much about it except the music made me stop. Maybe it wouldn't have meant that much if I had heard it before. Maybe it wouldn't have spoken to my soul if I hadn't just had my world rocked. But it was the right place, at the right time.

This holiday we celebrate every December is about more than just a babe in a manger. It is more than angels appearing to shepherds, a new star in the sky, three precious gifts, Santa Clause and whatnot. Jesus was born. Christmas is about His life, His love, His gift of Himself. Not just about God's gift of sending an newborn Savior, but the plan in its entirety. Jesus' ultimate sacrifice for us. Himself. We say it all the time, there has never been a greater gift, but that night it took on a whole new meaning for me. What greater gift could I have at that moment than knowing that no matter what would happen over the next few weeks, it would all be made right? Maybe not how I would plan it, but because of Christ, somehow, things would be okay.

Watch it. It doesn't need to be Christmas to focus on Him. Whatever is going on in your life, whether you know the outcome, or feel like you are lost in the darkness of uncertainty, because of Him, it will all be alright. That peace doesn't come with huge fanfare, but silently, in our hearts. What a wondrous gift it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrLoWt2tfqg