A not so "strong" post

Today we received our "Gracie Bear". It is a bear that is made out of blankets that we wrapped Gracie in. We told the girls that this was mommy's bear. Katie accepted that (they both have 3 specifically from this) but Kotah is pretty sure that it is hers. I guess I can share....sometimes. And I wonder where they get their possessiveness from... lol. It felt right to get it today, its been 3 weeks. And I was going to post a lovely blog about it and about all the little things that matter, but its just not in me tonight. So then I was going to write a somewhat philosophical post about grief, but that is not in me either. So tonight, I invite you in. To the part of me where I am not strong. Where I don't have a smile on my face. Where I am not grateful for this experience. Where I cry myself to sleep every night. Tonight is raw. 

I wake with salt crusted in the corners of my eyes

And your name still whispered on my lips

The grief of the night hanging in the air

Lingering

My eyes struggle to take in a new day

The sunlight mocks my pain

Bold and defiant it puts more distance between us

The demands of the day scream

Unfeeling to my loss

There is no rest

Is it really unknown strength 

or total defeat that moves me on?

My world spirals and I grasp for control

But find nothing to hold

Loss of control, loss of sense, of fairness

Loss of a life

My heart cries out with each continued beat

Beating without you

If only it could have beat for you

If only I could have saved you

Everything looks gray now

Even the sky

I embrace the overcast

I smile and sigh in relief at the wind

The weather understands

(It is the only one)

And I don't feel so alone

The clouds hold back the rain

I hold back my tears

But eventually

Both of us will break

The E L Fudge cookie diet - filling the void.

Yes, I am considering that a new thing. It's all the rage. Those are pretty much the only things that taste good right now. Last week they were on sale. By 8, save $.50 a box. Lets just say that we had to go stock up again today.... And I am down 3 lbs. Granted, I didn't eat them all myself, but still. I think maybe I'll contact the company and offer to do advertising for them. Maybe I better go stock up on more before I do that. Weight loss cookies..... that would sell for a lot more than $1.88.

There are few things that fill the void inside right now. Aside from delicious fudge filled cookies, not much else works. Prior to Gracie;s birth, when we knew that she would die, we bought dolls and teddy bears for Katie and Kotah to cuddle when they felt sad. Many times Katie would offer her teddy or her doll to me when she noticed I was sad. There is a wonderful organization called Angel Watch that, among other services, take blankets that an angel baby is wrapped in at the hospital and turn them into bears. There really are no words to describe the physical ache that your arms feel when you loose a child. It's seems funny or weird sometimes, the things that matter after loosing a baby, but I am looking forward to seeing and holding our "Gracie Bear". The amount of service and love that we have found in various support organizations such as Angel Watch is quite amazing.

Sometimes, there is still a feeling of helplessness that comes and I feel like I should be able to do something for Gracie. Something, ANYTHING. It is a harsh reminder that she is gone. There isn't a medicine I can take or a certain food to eat or exercise to do that will do something for her. As a parent, as a mom, taking care of my children is a major part of my life. To not be able to do that for Gracie is hard. Times like these, I take something to her grave. Flowers, a pinwheel, something in an effort to take care of her. Again, it seems silly the things that matter, but they matter so much. The other day I got mad at a storm because it blew away the balloons we had left when we buried her. I was able to smile at myself afterwards- a while afterwards- but in the moment the feelings are real.

Knowing that I will see her again takes away a lot of pain. Pain I don't think I can even understand or would want to. The pain I feel is bad enough. But there is still a void, still an ache, still a loss. I miss my baby.