A not so "strong" post

Today we received our "Gracie Bear". It is a bear that is made out of blankets that we wrapped Gracie in. We told the girls that this was mommy's bear. Katie accepted that (they both have 3 specifically from this) but Kotah is pretty sure that it is hers. I guess I can share....sometimes. And I wonder where they get their possessiveness from... lol. It felt right to get it today, its been 3 weeks. And I was going to post a lovely blog about it and about all the little things that matter, but its just not in me tonight. So then I was going to write a somewhat philosophical post about grief, but that is not in me either. So tonight, I invite you in. To the part of me where I am not strong. Where I don't have a smile on my face. Where I am not grateful for this experience. Where I cry myself to sleep every night. Tonight is raw. 

I wake with salt crusted in the corners of my eyes

And your name still whispered on my lips

The grief of the night hanging in the air

Lingering

My eyes struggle to take in a new day

The sunlight mocks my pain

Bold and defiant it puts more distance between us

The demands of the day scream

Unfeeling to my loss

There is no rest

Is it really unknown strength 

or total defeat that moves me on?

My world spirals and I grasp for control

But find nothing to hold

Loss of control, loss of sense, of fairness

Loss of a life

My heart cries out with each continued beat

Beating without you

If only it could have beat for you

If only I could have saved you

Everything looks gray now

Even the sky

I embrace the overcast

I smile and sigh in relief at the wind

The weather understands

(It is the only one)

And I don't feel so alone

The clouds hold back the rain

I hold back my tears

But eventually

Both of us will break