Don't Tempt the Snake

The other day, I took a hike. I went on it with the intent to ponder. To get out into nature and listen. It was a very enlightening hike. But one instance in particular reminded me of a Sunday School lesson from when I was a teenager. And I think I maybe now am just understanding it more fully.

Backstory time! (insert Dr Doofensmirtz picture here)

So once upon a Sunday, many years ago, we were learning about the creation. About the Garden of Eden. Because we were a pretty unruly class ( we tried, but really looking back.....) at one point the teacher decided to ask a class member who was not listening a question. "What were the two commandments that God gave Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden?" The answer is worthy of the history books. 

"Don't eat the apple and don't tempt the snake." 

I really think that is the only thing I remember from that year. It was a running joke. I still smile at it now and remember the laughter that it could always evoke whenever it was brought up in our group. Flash forward to my hike. On my return I passed a point on the trail where I heard a very clear, very LOUD hiss. I hollered "Oh CRAP! A SNAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!" And started running like a deranged mountain goat for about the next 100 yards. (this all seems very rambled as I am reading it, but I promise, it makes a good point)

And the saying "Don't tempt the snake" came to mind. And a lesson was learned. Satan has been compared to a snake or a serpent in the scriptures. We always talk about the ways he uses to tempt us, to lead us away from God. But there are ways we can tempt him, allowing ways to let him in. (really, I know it is him doing the tempting, but bear with me) By our choices, we make room for either the Savior or the Devil. If I choose not to read my scriptures in the morning, justifying that I pretty much know what is in them and I don't need them desperately enough or have time, I am "tempting the snake". I am saying "here is a little space that I am leaving open" and he is oh so willing to fill it. On that hike I was alone. Granted, the trail was filled with countless other people. In life, when we choose to be alone, when we choose to close ourselves off and try to "fix" ourselves, without accepting help of others or from God, we are leaving a void to be filled. If I rationalize not praying for a day, brush off a prompting of the Holy Ghost, look for a reason to leave church early, refuse service, and the list could go on and on, but in all these things I am "tempting the snake". I am allowing room for him to fill.

It has been on my mind since then. In what ways am I personally tempting the snake? In what ways do I push God away? Where do I rationalize? Where do I justify? And then the healing portion. How can I invite God more fully into my life? What in my life do I need to accept and acknowledge and turn over to Him, instead of carrying around with me? The story told of the two wolves inside, the wolf that wins is the one you feed. How am I feeding the bad wolf, how can I stop and in what ways can I feed the good wolf?

A slightly deeper thought to a very much laughed at teenage moment, How do you tempt the snake and how can you more fully rely on the Lord to fill all empty voids so that there is no room for which the snake to enter?

Tomorrow Comes

Today I should be holding a newborn, breathing in her new scent, gushing over her flawless features.
Today I should be rocking three girls to sleep.
Today I should be watching my older two children fawn over their baby sister.

But I'm not.

Today sucked.

Something I have learned over the past few months (really, over the course of my life but that has been solidified over the past few months) is this: Tomorrow comes. The intensity of the moment can tend to drown out that promise. Many times I have felt unsure of how to go on. The day we were told Gracie wouldn't live, tomorrow came. The day I watched her heart struggle to beat, tomorrow came. The day she was finally at peace, the day she was born, the day we buried her, each tomorrow came. Sometimes I didn't want them to. I resented the fact that I had to continue on without my baby. Someday's I still do. Today was one of those days.

Today I planned to take the whole day to myself. To sit and grieve. To give space for my feelings and let them come and go. An important email this morning prevented me from doing so. It meant that I had to pull out a bunch of paperwork, keep Ty up to help me, make phone calls and spend the morning running errands. I thought I would at least get a few hours to sit with Gracie. I got 10 minutes. Orange chicken and fried rice? The place is closed down. A minute to myself? Not a chance. (The girls are in fact still awake at 10 and hollering from their room and I am hurriedly typing so I can go in and try to get them to sleep.) Today was not what I wanted, but tomorrow will come. It wont make today better, but it will not be the end of the world.

So many times it feels like that. Moments, days and even multiple days in a row that feel like the end of the world. That feel like nothing will ever get better. That no matter what I do, I'll never be whole again, never be happy. Tomorrow will come. Insensitive comments, thoughtless conversations, a reminder call from the doctors office that I should schedule my follow up appointment now that I have a new baby. Tomorrow will come.

In the darkness, each breath keeps coming. Each minute continues. Though sometimes I wish I could just be swallowed whole, though sometimes the pain is so intense and so overwhelming- Tomorrow comes.