Tomorrow Comes

Today I should be holding a newborn, breathing in her new scent, gushing over her flawless features.
Today I should be rocking three girls to sleep.
Today I should be watching my older two children fawn over their baby sister.

But I'm not.

Today sucked.

Something I have learned over the past few months (really, over the course of my life but that has been solidified over the past few months) is this: Tomorrow comes. The intensity of the moment can tend to drown out that promise. Many times I have felt unsure of how to go on. The day we were told Gracie wouldn't live, tomorrow came. The day I watched her heart struggle to beat, tomorrow came. The day she was finally at peace, the day she was born, the day we buried her, each tomorrow came. Sometimes I didn't want them to. I resented the fact that I had to continue on without my baby. Someday's I still do. Today was one of those days.

Today I planned to take the whole day to myself. To sit and grieve. To give space for my feelings and let them come and go. An important email this morning prevented me from doing so. It meant that I had to pull out a bunch of paperwork, keep Ty up to help me, make phone calls and spend the morning running errands. I thought I would at least get a few hours to sit with Gracie. I got 10 minutes. Orange chicken and fried rice? The place is closed down. A minute to myself? Not a chance. (The girls are in fact still awake at 10 and hollering from their room and I am hurriedly typing so I can go in and try to get them to sleep.) Today was not what I wanted, but tomorrow will come. It wont make today better, but it will not be the end of the world.

So many times it feels like that. Moments, days and even multiple days in a row that feel like the end of the world. That feel like nothing will ever get better. That no matter what I do, I'll never be whole again, never be happy. Tomorrow will come. Insensitive comments, thoughtless conversations, a reminder call from the doctors office that I should schedule my follow up appointment now that I have a new baby. Tomorrow will come.

In the darkness, each breath keeps coming. Each minute continues. Though sometimes I wish I could just be swallowed whole, though sometimes the pain is so intense and so overwhelming- Tomorrow comes.