Gweecie's soooes

Pregnancy is hard for me. I get really sick. While I was pregnant with Gracie, I lost over 15lbs. I had a couple of IVs because even water wouldn't stay down. It was hard to do much of anything. And then came the grief. When grief comes, there are many different "symptoms". For me, all food tastes horrible. Usually like cardboard or baby rash medicine. And I loose all drive.

If you know me, you know that crafting and cooking are pretty much my most favorite things to do. Gingersnaps, sour cream cake, orange coconut cookies. Stuffed animals, cards, kids clothes, blankets. I had a hard enough time just getting out of bed while pregnant, but when we lost Gracie, everything kind of just stopped. Not only did crafting and cooking become dull, I didn't even want to! I hated the idea of doing anything like that. And honestly? That scarred me. I LOVED doing those things! What was wrong with me?

I even got a new sewing machine for Christmas. I had worn out the motor and the belt on my last one. The only things I had sewn with it? Gracies burial dresses and blankets and loveys. I still have my fabric stash from JoAnn's Black Friday Sale still sitting untouched in my closet.

Last week I tried. I pulled out my sewing machine and tried. I made a weighted blanket for the girls. No joy in it. I baked. Nothing. Nada. I took up making balloon animals. It is fun in the moment, but I don't quite consider it "crafty" enough for me.

And then, the cemetery began yard work. Which means that if you don't remove the decoration from your loved ones grave, they will. And they definitely do NOT keep them for sentimental purposes. The idea that they would throw my baby girls stuff away was down right terrifying. So we cleaned her grave off. Other than placing everything in the back of our car, I haven't done much with them yet. I can't quite bring myself to. Someday.

But that means that when I want to nurture Gracie, I can no longer just take something to her grave. I did spend a couple days just holding and rocking our Gracie bear. That feeling of helplessness crept up again.

I don't quite remember how I decided to do this, most assuredly by inspiration, but the one thing that I didn't do for Gracie (all right, obviously there is more than one thing that I feel that I didn't do, but this one is one that still eats at me late at night) is make her baby booties. I actually made two different dresses because we weren't sure exactly what size she was going to be. One pattern I was graciously given by an earthly angel who makes burial gowns out of wedding dresses. (She had offered to make one for Gracie but it was my way of taking care of my baby, so I declined and she sent me the pattern.) The other was also inspiration because it is a dress that could have fit her, regardless of her size.

But there are no patterns on micro booties. And I honestly didn't have the brain power to come up with one. Especially as we didn't know exactly what size her feet would be. I rationalized that the dress would cover her feet, and if it didn't, when I swaddled her in her blanket, her feet would be warm.

Now I KNOW she is dead. There is no reason to keep her feet "warm" and there is really no way to keep them warm as her blood was no longer circulating through her body. Yes. I get that. No I am not delusional. But its a mom thing, keeping your kid warm starts with socks, right?

There is a non-profit organization that, supplied by donations, brings clothes for stillborns to the hospital. I am so grateful for them. But the smallest baby bootie size they had was entirely too big for Gracie. They still sent us home with them so we could put it in our memory box.

Anywho. As I was grieving the loss of being able to nurture Gracie by taking decorations to her grave, the thought somehow came to me to make little booties for her. I did. They were very healing to make. And when I slipped the finished product onto her foot mold, it fit. Ty and I both cried a little. And I kind of just sat on it for another few days. Holding them in my hand, wishing I could put them on her feet. And then I realized that other moms might feel the same way I do. Wanting to keep their baby's toes warm, but not having a way to do that. I checked with the volunteer organization to see if they would take them. They will.

Suddenly I had something to do! I was going to wait until my first donation to post about this. I was going to start a facebook page. I was going to do a lot of stuff, but really, because I am still grieving, things take a lot longer than usual to do, and sometimes I can't do them at all, and though I have great ideas and good intentions, by the time I get around to doing everything I want to, there will be people that COULD have been helped that wont be because I waited.

So here they are. These are what I have made so far. And actually, since taking these pictures, I have made a few more pairs. There is sadly always a need for donations. Pint sized diapers, micro clothes. If you follow this link http://www.utahshare.org/, you can find contact information to donate in Northern Utah. This link http://teenytears.blogspot.com/ takes you to a blog with patterns on diapers and clothes. If you find the time and would like too, please consider making and donating. Whether to SHARE or to your local hospital.

This is my way to grieve, my way to heal. If you are looking for a service project, consider these items. It really means more than words can say to be able to have a sense of dignity, dressing your baby. Nothing can express the feeling of looking at the many different outfits and being able to pick something for Gracie to wear. There is no store for angels that small. But the fact that someone took the time (and really, it doesn't take much time at all) to make clothes so that my baby could be dressed, to make a diaper her size, I can't find the words to describe it. It may seem like something so small can't make that much of a difference, but believe me, it does. It does.

 Some of the "Gweecie soooes", ready to be donated. The small green and blue pair? They are for an upcoming project for later this year. Stay tuned. 

 Really, this is how small they are.

 Gracie's foot mold. So precious, so tiny! One of the services provided by SHARE.

 Gracie's foot mold in comparison to the smallest baby bootie size they had from donations.

 And yet, even they are extremely small. 

Her foot mold in one of the booties. It fits. 

Pattern for "Gweecie Sooes"

For this ^^^ paticular one, I used a hook size E/4 and the type of yarn/string used to make the leporsy bandages. But really, you can mix and match hook sizes and yarn type. Different pairings make different sizes.

Round 1: Single Crochet (sc) 6, sc in second to last stich, sc in the next. Half Double Crochet (hdc)1 in next stich, 2 in the stich after that and 5 in the last one. Working in the back loop only, hdc 2, hdc 1, sc and then 2 sc in the last stich. 

Round 2: sc all the way around

Round 3: sc in back loop only all the way around

Toe shaping, Round 1: sc 6, skip, hdc, skip, sc 6

Round 2: 2 sc in first stitch, sc 5 Decrease next two stitches, Decrease next two stitches, sc 5

Round 3: 2 sc in first stitch, sc 4, skip, sc 3, skip, sc 4

Round 4: sc all the way around

And Wha La! 

You may have to tweak it here and there depending on the mixing of hook size and yarn type you use.