This is a dump post. eta: Trigger

(edited to add trigger to title. this really is a dump post with trigger worries)
This blog will probably be a little more personal than I am used to, but after melting down while driving today I need to just let my feelings out.
I have heard this song before and have been touched, but not ever like the way it got me today. Ty turned to me and said "wow, you really are a mess" as he tenderly wiped the tears from my cheeks so I could keep my hands on the wheel. Notice: I did say melt down, not break down. Melt is when your soul seeps out your eyes. Break is when it comes out your mouth and whole body through various sobs and shakes. Melt-keep driving. Break-pull over! (We have been discussing for the past few weeks how much of an emotional wreck I am right now. A lot of it is due to feeling so overwhelmingly blessed and part of it is due to not really dealing with all my feelings for the past almost 9 months.)
I feel so helpless. And many days, hopeless.
I feel guilty. She is mostly healthy and still here, yet I worry.
Worry. Maybe I should have put that I need to let all my worries out, not so much feelings. I worry a lot. I worry that I'll miss something when she pulls her monitor off and I don't wake her to go through the struggle of putting it back on, but instead just let her sleep. I worry that if I don't watch her constantly she could pass out and not come back cuz I'm not there to help her. I worry that our time with her is numbered. I worry that the high white blood count could mean cancer (thanks a lot stupid internet search) and that will be a whole nother ball game. I worry that the lack of time I spend with Katie will turn her into a sister who hates her younger sibling and takes it out on her.
I was cuddling with Kotah yesterday and had an overwhelming fear of what if I don't get to do this much longer. I try so hard to ignore that fear because it can be so very debilitating, but it is a constant companion when she is struggling. When she is healthy, I almost forget how hard it can be and then when something pops up, it hits hard. I am so scared to even think about, to even admit that one day... can't type it.
I feel stupid for my fears.
I feel so angry when anything wakes up Kotah after getting her to sleep. Even if it's Katie. Especially if it is an outside influence. It is easier to mask my fears with anger and place that anger where it really doesn't belong. Not the healthiest thing and I do try to reroute that thinking pattern, but at least I know its there.
I am overprotective of Kotah. I am trying to curb that one because it will harm her more in the long run then a bump.
I sometimes forget to pray in the moment and put more expectations on the nurses and doctors.
I fear another hospital stay. The new years starts which means filling the insurance quotas up again. I feel very stupid for thinking like that because there is nothing I wouldn't do for her health, but it is a concern. Also, watching her be hooked up to machines and ivs when she has become such an active little girl is so hard.
I kick myself in the butt numerous times with guilt for not speaking up on things from past visits.
I feel like a monster for letting them cath/or try to cath her. I know its a medical procedure and I know it is necessary and I can't really explain to her or get her to pee in a cup, but I feel like a horrible horrible mother.
I feel so out of control. I love control. I like having every thing work the way I think it should. Everything has a place and should be kept in it except for a time allotted for its use. The more crazy things get, the more of a control freak I become. I have a hard time letting things go. I am getting better and I have to remind myself a lot to let it go, but my natural man is a control freak.




I do know that we have been blessed with so many miracles. God has placed, from day one, the right people at the right times in our path to help and uplift us. From something as small as a text when I am feeling down, to a needed monitor being tucked away at a friends house, to rides to appointments, to money to be able to pay off outstanding medical debt, we have been truly and richly blessed.
My testimony has grown. I know that God knows exactly who I am. He is aware of every little instance. He walks with me in every moment, even when I forget to ask for Him. He loves me. He cares about me, about my children, about my fears, about my needs and He supplys. He comforts me through the spirits calming influence. Many days He is so close I can feel his arms around me, holding me up.
This song is how I feel in my darkest moments, but the light so quickly comes. I know that Kotah and me and my family are never left alone.